Dear the Internet,
It’s Friday, so about time to assess my worth as a human being by counting up the amount of words I wrote that got published.
And it’s low.
That’s at least partially because a lot of said words are for magazines that are yet to be published, or (in the case of Cosmos and, next week, Time Out Melbourne) published but not yet online), but even so: it’s a fairly pathetic haul.
That said: here’s my Daily Life piece In Defence of Marriage, about marriage being a thing that people should be able to do. Also, here’s a wildly positive review of the new Underground Lovers album Weekend, which is fantastic, at mess+noise. And this week’s column for Time Out in Sydney and Melbourne, Should Alan Jones Just Shut The Hell Up? (spoiler: yes. Yes, he should).
And four days of news for the Vine, which was rather like this:
My my, doesn’t NZ look more progressive than certain other Australasian countries? – 10 Things
Nun heading to sainthood via holy miracle of poo – 10 Things
Heroin, 2013 could be your greatest year yet! – 10 Things
Hugh Jackman remains safely unpubed by stalker – 10 Things
…and that’s pretty much it. Will next week be the week I feel like I’ve achieved a damn thing in what I laughingly refer to as my career? Let’s find out, gang!
(spoiler alert: no.)
Yours in desperate gratitude,
I’ve been scribbling away frantically on a lot of magazine stuff for Time Out, Blunt and Australian Guitar, plus some big awesome pieces that I’ll boast about later, but there’s a couple of columns for Time Out – my In Defence of Hipsters piece is in Sydney this week, while Melbourne’s gotten a big ol’ rant about The Gentle Art of Heckling (complete with an old photo of me sans beard. It looks weird and wrong). Oh, and I did a thing about Daft Punk’s Wee Waa listening event for Time Out in which I got snarky about upcoming albums, and also did a Fasterlouder piece on Margaret Thatcher’s Five Greatest Contributions to Pop.
And of course I’m up at an ungody hour Monday-Thursday to tell you all about what’s happening in the world. For example:
Life becomes bad cartoon as man ties puppy to railway tracks – 10 Things
Why do Girl Guides oppose the sexy, sexy operation of the free press? – 10 Things
Fatal stroke suspected of left wing bias – 10 Things
Naked man wins whiskey from crocodiles – 10 Things
I think I’ve a Daily Life piece appearing today too. Still, seems a bit thin. So, let’s do a bunch more next week, huh?
So, how are you doing there, internet? You’re looking well.
I wrote a lot of stuff lately. Seriously. A lot.
Here’s one of the best things: an interview with David Lee Roth for Time Out. The man is freakin’ nuts. And here’s a PVT for Fasterlouder.
I wrote a review of The Host for the Sunday Telegraph, and various other Sunday News papers, and look: let’s just say it’s a big ol’ stinker. On the other hand, Ross McLennan’s album The Night’s Deeds are Vapour is pretty damn good, as I point out at mess+noise. Oh, and I did Time Out piece on Sharetapes, which is a pretty decent thing.
Have I also written a bunch of Time Out columns, you ask? Why, yes: here’s my Open Letter to Sydney Public Transport, my exhortation about Getting Back to the True Meaning(s) of Easter, and my powerful, moving screed In Defence of Hipsters, which has a reasonably solid masturbation joke in it.
And of course we have the news at TheVine for the last couple o’ weeks. There at least a dozen decent jokes in these eight pieces – see if you can spot them all!
Sorry, we have a NEW winner for dumbest April Fools Day prank – 10 Things
We may have a winner for dumbest international April Fools prank – 10 Things
Will the forthcoming Korean War II: Son of Korean War match the original? – 10 Things
Princess Diana’s drag king past – revealed! – 10 Things
Don’t mess with the furious fists of Raging Biebs – 10 Things
Windbag vs Wind: Trump pledges to save Scotland from electricity – 10 Things
New Pope addresses the vital issue of Batman – 10 Things
Spice reality show to discover new skinny, sulky-looking clotheshorse? – 10 Things
And there’s probably some more, but damned if I can remember them right now. Load of Australian Guitar stuff, certainly, and some Blunt stuff, and there’s got to be more Time Out wordage that I’m overlooking.
So tired. So very, very tired.
So, in the interests of mad self-aggrandisement, let’s have a look over the last week and a bit and assess whether I’ve done anything much that’s useful.
The new issue of Time Out is out in Melbourne, while Sydney’s out on Wednesday, with a slew of my words in ‘em. Among the stuff there are interviews with They Might Be Giants, Ben Lee and Margaret Cho, and my columns for the last two weeks are hopefully entertaining enough: Why All Albums Should Be Ten Tracks Or Less, and Ten Things the New Star Wars Films Will Require (Going By Recent Trends).
My John Lydon interview at Fasterlouder is probably the best interview I’ve had in a while (entirely because of him, I should make clear).
But my favourite thing that’s up this week is my rant at the Vine: How To Not Be Called A Rapist. I write quickly when I’m furious.
And of course, here’s a round up of all the Vine news for the last little bit: Finally, we’re getting Star Wars hologram tech – 10 Things
Gandalf to marry Captain Picard – 10 Things
Well, maybe Satan actually DOES look like Obama, ever think of that? – 10 Things
Gillard declares she’s staying put so let’s all speculate about her leaving some more – 10 Things
Yeah, maybe DON’T let your toddler take hits from your bong – 10 Things
Jerk shark gets man fired for saving children – 10 Things
Nuanced political debate in the Rudd Australian press about Rudd politics Rudd – 10 Things
Next week: David Lee Roth interview, a bunch of things from Time Out will be live, and hopefully a screed or two. Still feel like there could be so, so much more being done…
Another week of frantic activity with surprisingly little to show for it – although I had my first piece published at the ABC’s opinion page The Drum in which I get all suspicious about Senator John Madigan and his stealth war on women’s health, which is going to look very out of nowhere to anyone who’s only ever seen me be snide about pop culture. I’m a bit proud of this one, but I’m a lot more unhappy about the likely culture wars coming down the road…
Speaking of firebrandery, this week’s Time Out column is about the pointless debates over Should Some Topics be Off-Limits for Comedy, my interview with the Mark of Cain is up at Fasterlouder and my Wild Nothing interview is up at Time Out, I give my first impressions of the new David Bowie album - and, of course, got four days of news at TheVine which looks like this:
Hebrew edition of Playboy to provide Israel with much-needed boobs – 10 Things
Space: the final (poo insulated) frontier – 10 Things
Batman hands criminal to police no we’re not making this up – 10 Things
Customer-only restrooms now enforced by Johnny Law – 10 Things
Next week: John Lydon, Margaret Cho, Ben Lee, They Might Be Giants, Wilco, more news, a Golden Plains write up, and a bunch of other stuff. But it’s never enough, really, is it?
Well, my Ben Harper story is the cover of Australian Guitar this month, with a few other things in there by me, and here’s my Time Out column on Why Rebuilding The Titanic is Obviously An Excellent Idea, but most of the things I’ve been madly writing lately are yet to appear. So next week will be a bumper crop, right? Right? Sigh.
Anyway, have this week’s 10 Things from the Vine.
Your second hand clothes are full of demons – 10 Things
Lecturers, maybe don’t fap at work – 10 Things
US and mice team up for world’s most adorable-slash-disgusting military assault – 10 Things
Txt is now officially a word, symbol of everything wrong with Gen Y – 10 Things
Yes, I know. Will try harder.
Morning, Internet. You’re looking well.
What have I been up to? Well, there’s been a lot of writing. A LOT of writing. Most of it will be in the next edition of Australian Guitar, including the Ben Harper cover story, but there’s also been the first of my new weekly column for Time Out, the first of which addresses How Old is Too Old for Music Festivals?, inspired principally by my review of the I’ll Be Your Mirror festival in Melbourne. And while we’re on the subject of Time Out, I interviewed Ruby Wax and Birds of Tokyo, knocked out a thing on key books about atheism and had a preview of the upcoming BioShock Infinite, and a load of comedy stuff that I don’t think is up on the Interwebs as yet. Oh, and my colleague Myffy Rigby and I debated the relative merits of Violet Crumble vs Crunchie, because we are serious journalists.
And of course, the Vine’s news Mon-Thurs – which has looked rather like this: World’s most inept art heist, hot new Facebook fails, the sky spiders are coming – 10 Things
The Chinese Army are making fun of your Facebook photos right this minute – 10 Things
Statistics confirm butts more popular than boobs – 10 Things Psy still exists and is available in stamp form – 10 Things
Happy VanHalentine’s Day, Internet! – 10 Things
Choose Your Own Popespiracy! – 10 Things
We are Popeless, repeat, Popeless – 10 Things
Grammys say no to female breast nipples, Kanye has skirt remorse – 10 Things
…and yeah, could really stand to do a bit more. Shall ramp it up.
Yours ever, APS
Friday’s a day of quiet reflection, of realising how looming the deadlines are and how much of the weekend is going to be spent chained to a laptop weeping quietly and trying to think of ways to make young, not especially bright musicians sound compelling and charming – but it’s also when I look back on the week that was and go “…that’s all I produced this week? Seriously? Jesus.”
However, I am legitimately happy with this Time Out review of the new Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds album, if powerfully disappointed with said album.
I also wrote A guide to fake public apologies and how to spot deliberate liars for the TheVine, for whom I also wrote a lot of news – such as the following…
German jobseeker accidentally sent to work in brothel – 10 Things
North Korea bombs video game footage to ‘We Are The World’ – 10 Things
Iran’s space programme provides a Vine masterclass in hilarity, racism – 10 Things
Scandalised Iran rocked by space monkey switcheroo – 10 Things
And there’s also a Silver Linings Playbook review of mine floating around on the news.com network somewhere, I assume: I always have trouble finding their stuff online for some reason. And there’s a metric shittone of stuff of mine in the new Blunt, at least one piece in the new Rolling Stone, a whole lot in the forthcoming Time Out magazines in Sydney and Melbourne – I know this looks like a slack week, but I have been legitimately busy, honest.
No, you’re right: I do have to try harder.
You may or may not be aware that I write TheVine’s news four days a week, serving up a sizzling mixed grill of news and current events each morning at an hour when that sort of heavy meal would make you feel a bit ill. And it’s ephemeral – a topical zephyr, if you will, packed with facts and sarcasm and fuelled by caffeine and sleep deprivation (especially as we get later in the week). So you could be forgiven for having forgotten or – even more likely – neither knowing nor caring that I write all these things in the wee small hours JUST FOR YOU.
Anyway, here are the last fortnight’s worth. Share it with someone you love.
Oh, and aside from a lot of print-only stuff, there are interviews with Elvis Costello, Dave Grohl and Yeasayer up, and some other dribs and drabs floating about the place.
Julia Gillard announces election, defiles Swayze, wears glasses – 10 Things
Chris Brown is now an artist and also Jesus – 10 Things
UK citizenship now available only to comedy nerds – 10 Things
Nature vs Australia II: the Soakening – 10 Things
Danish fishing magazine’s nudie pix offensive to women, fish – 10 Things
New Zealand’s war on kitties has begun – 10 Things
Kochie’s sorry if you were insulted by his horror at your disgusting bodies, ladies – 10 Things
Parenting allowance cuts a boon for Australia’s sexiest single mothers – 10 Things
Dear Patient People,
I’ve no idea how many of you actually ever read this thing, although I could look on Google Analytics and check – but that would spoil the romance. I’m going to assume “four”. And you four probably read Time Out and the Vine and Daily Life and so on and are already across my whole writin’ thing, but just in case: here’s what I’ve been up to lately.
First up, I did a piece on how all relationships end until you’re in one that doesn’t for Daily Life. It’s a bit maudlin, but I’m very proud of it.
I did some pieces for TheVine: one on the best ever way to watch Star Wars, the the least welcome musical comebacks of 2011, and an interview with Beck/Atoms For Peace/REM drummer Joey Waronker. And, of course, the news every Mon-Thu morning at some ungodly hour – my most recent Vine stuff is all listed here.
There’s a glowing review of the excellent Bored Nothing self-titled album at mess+noise, and somewhere on the interwebs there are probably reviews of Wreck-It Ralph and Rise of the Guardians, but damned if I can find them.
For those of you who actually buy proper magazines from newsagents and the like, Feburary’s Rolling Stone will have my interview with Spoon/Divine Fits chap Brit Daniel (and possibly Dave Grohl), and there’s a load of my stuff in Australian Guitar and Blunt as well, and interviews with Elvis Costello, John Lydon, Spencer P Jones and The Mark of Cain should be up at Fasterlouder once I get a-wrangling.
So yes, been busy. And I keep meaning to do more Song You Should Rediscover – which will happen. Honest. Truely.
Would I lie to you?